In the pressure of the current business environment, humor isn’t lost. Here are a few ideas for metrics and measurement tools I’ve come across in my travels recently that you might like to hear about:
- Aleanment Index – how you manage expectations for what will get done with fewer headcount than last year.
- Bland Awareness – A measure of how uninspiring your brand is.
- Brand Vasequity – A calculation of brand value taken after your marketing budget has been neutered.
- Customer Satisfiction – A metric that skews customer feedback in the most favorable terms for your next presentation to senior management.
- Dashbored – A comprehensive set of marketing performance metrics guaranteed to make your CEO's eyes glaze over.
- Dumbographics – Statistical data describing the consumer segment stupid enough to purchase your competitor's overpriced, poor-quality product or service.
- Mantric – the one metric that looks so good you hear about it over and over and over.
- Misery Mix Model – a statistical methodology for ascertaining exactly why your plans failed to achieve objectives.
- ROE (Return on Everything) – What your CEO is demanding.
- Six Stigma – A set of visible marks on your forehead signify a failed attempt at improving the quality of the creative-development process.
If you’ve got others, I’d love to add them to our collection and post them online for all to see.
Email them to me. Please use “METRICS” in the subject line.
